I Have an Exercise-Related Injury?!

As a successful lifestyle blogger who regularly updates her blog, it’s my duty to make sure I’m bringing my loyal readers the best lifestyle-based content. So, I recently started working out. My previous exercise attempts have been questionable at best, but this one is the real deal.

Because now….I’ve been going to a jazz dance class. Often. A real one, where everyone is more flexible than me, the choreography is hard to follow, and I sweat a lot. It’s been challenging and rewarding. And I know it’s paying off because after just a few short weeks of regular exercise, my left foot hurts when I put too much weight on it!

adequate injury

I can tell this new workout plan is for me, because I’ve seen immediate results at getting a legitimate but mysterious injury. People might tell you that it takes time for your hard work to pay off, but those people just don’t break easily enough. If you jump into a new activity with no idea what you’re doing, you too can hurt yourself right away!

I’m looking forward to my future as an exercising person. I think this injury means I don’t have to exercise anymore, or maybe that I should start working out more often because of stretching or something. I’m not even sure what’s wrong with it – google says it could be a lateral sprain or a maybe a bone bruise or maybe nothing at all – but I’m not going to worry about it. Because like all miracle cures and mystery lifestyle programs, it doesn’t matter how it works, it only matters that it works. And what’s working for me is hitting a fitness milestone really quickly. I’m a real dancer! I possess athletic tape!

How should I get my next workout injury? Tell me in the comments!

Yoga Class Breakthrough: I Hate Yoga


As a successful lifestyle blogger, I’m required to go to at least one yoga class per year. It’s a requirement I take very seriously.

Yesterday as I stretched in a frighteningly quiet room, a calm woman who was not stretching told me that I could replace my negative thoughts with positive ones, and that my struggle was my choice. And I had a huge breakthrough: she was right.

I can choose not to go to yoga anymore. It gives me panic attacks. I spent an hour trying to vaguely mimic what everyone else was doing, but my breathing wouldn’t fall in line. It’s hard to do yoga poses during a panic attack. Nobody should do that. I should not do that. Why would I ever do that?

One of the most important things to learn from yoga is “be where you are.” And I am not at yoga. That, my adequate friends, is what I call a fitness success 🙂

 

Photo Credit: Inae Bloom

I’m Not a Supreme Court Justice, but I Can Work Out Like One

Even a successful lifestyle blogger isn’t immune to the turning tides in the world around her. I haven’t been operating at maximum adequacy for the last couple months – if you want to pick a totally arbitrary date, let’s say since November 8. Sometime in the late evening if we’re going to get very specific. But again, arbitrary.

As a result, I’ve been a successful lifestyle blogger in name only. By which I mean, I have not blogged. I’m very sorry. I know my inherent successfulness will only carry me so far in life. But I’ve returned, and I want to use my adequacy to make the world a better place.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg does twenty pushups a day. She’s 80 years old and very small. Plus, she’s incredibly busy being on the Supreme Court, which I guess is a pretty demanding job. She also has the advantage of working out at the Supreme Court-only gym, and I might stop being a successful lifestyle blogger to produce the reality series Justice Gym.

Anyway, if Ruth Bader Ginsburg can handle twenty pushups a day, surely I, a successful lifestyle blogger in my late 20’s, in peak physical health, can do it too.

So I did.

Ruth does two sets of ten, so that’s what I set out to do. Ten is easier than twenty, and I could take a break between sets. No big deal, right?


Pushups are very hard, it turns out. My arms are small spindles that cannot support my dense body. How does that tiny octogenarian do it?

You might have to do modified pushups. After struggling with regular pushups for a few days, I switched to modified for a while. I think my form was better with the modified ones. How am I supposed to know if my form is good or not? I don’t have a trainer. (Ruth has a trainer.)

But! If you’re lenient on yourself about what constitutes a “pushup,” it’s totally possible to do twenty of them.

Then, to make it a really ceremonious workout, I look off into the distance and proclaim, “I am Ruth Bader Ginsburg.” It gives me something to look forward to while I tolerate an entire minute of exercise.

I’ve been doing my RBG’s for almost a month, which is by far my longest run at an exercise program to date. The pushups are civic-minded in name only, and do nothing to enrich the world, but I do feel ever so slightly stronger, and at this moment that feels like a victory.

I am Ruth Bader Ginsburg.

I don’t know if I’ll continue my career as a successful lifestyle blogger next year. For 2017, we might need to be better than adequate.

 

Photo Credit: Tiffany Smith

Loneliness Hack: Make Festive Party Foods for Just You!

If you’re like me, you know that cooking for one can be a bummer. All the work that goes into lovingly preparing a meal only serves as a reminder that you are all alone in the world. (Not even successful lifestyle bloggers are immune to this. It’s lonely at the top.)

But does a lifestyle blogger give up? No, I found a solution! This one simple trick will breathe new life into your lonely habits:

Make fun dishes that are meant for groups, and eat them alone.

 


These veggie stuffed mushrooms are a healthy, decadent party snack. They’re challenging to prepare (hollowing out those mushrooms is harder than it looks!), and the slicing, chopping, and baking process builds anticipation for what is sure to be a warm dinner party in the company of good friends. Or, a semi-satisfying dinner for one! I put them on a plate and washed them down with some wine, but feel free to hold the hot cookie sheet over the sink and go to town.


Cauliflower fritters are a healthy twist on hash browns, and they’re great for a homemade brunch with someone you love. Or, for creating an entire sink full of dishes that you, yourself will have to wash! But hovering over a hot stove and trying to flip these beauties before they crumbled? It was so worth it when I saw the look on my own face as I took the first bite, my reflection in the living room window betraying a mix of satisfaction an existential doom. Yum!


Queso dip is, technically, not food. But it is great for parties! And any event can be a party with the right snacks – even sitting on the couch and admitting that you, truly, have given up. And when you’re eating alone, nobody will ever know that you finished the entire jar yourself. I didn’t even give this picture a border, because it doesn’t deserve it.

I might be a lonely lifestyle blogger, but with this fun life hack, I’m also full of appetizers at all times! And that, my friends, is what I call a success 🙂

Life Hack: Health Care on the Go

It’s probably fine though.

As a successful lifestyle blogger, I’m obviously extremely healthy. But that doesn’t mean I couldn’t be struck deathly ill at any moment! That’s why I google any little symptom I have (or imagine I have), just to make sure everything is probably okay. It’s impossible to know for sure whether the internet has all the answers, but I assume it probably does, and it’s cheaper than my copay.

Health care is a private matter, so I used to save up all my health concerns during the day, come home, and search them in an “incognito window.”(That way I don’t have to remember them later.) But then I learned this great new health care hack:

The iPhone’s Safari app has a private browsing mode.

That’s right, now I can take care of my health on the go. If I’m out with friends, I only have to sneak away to the bathroom or tilt my phone toward the wall, and I can find out if the five second headache I just had is normal, or if it’s a sign I’m definitely having a stroke. And then, I can close out of private browsing, and no one’s the wiser…including me! It’s like I never even knew it happened!

But it did. And I am so healthy. Probably.

My Adequate Hiatus

I ignored this mantra


I’m sure that you, my hopelessly devoted fan base, have noticed that I haven’t posted in a couple weeks. Well, even successful lifestyle bloggers need to take vacations sometimes!

I’m pleased to report that I’ve taken the last two weeks to live my life as usual. I traveled from my bed, to my couch, to my car, and back again.

I exercised one time. I ate a lot of pizza. I kept forgetting to go to the hardware store. And I realized just how important it is to recharge those batteries by changing absolutely nothing about my routine. Because now, I’m prepared to be the lifestyle blogger that you, the adequate masses, deserve.

I Don’t Need Sleep to Thrive!

As a successful lifestyle blogger, I’ve cultivated a superior amount of control over my body. While most bodies need at least 6 or more hours of sleep to function adequately during the day, mine is fully equppped to thrive on just two r three. Thatsriiihgt, even as I age, I’m just as functional as ever only now, the whole wordld looks like a hologram. Fun!

Selfie mode

For example, last night I stayepdup to 3am in the mirnong. Thing I wokeupat6. If yourrrrrrrrrrre donting the math at home then you know I got just three little tiny hours of sleep.

But! here I am, fully functioning at a work place. All it takes is just wanting it bad enough.   I don’t see any weird shapesapapses dancing in front of my eyes and I definitely didit nod off in the middle of writing this sena”””””””

And that proves that wiht just a little willpower and sherbet bicycle elevator ding noise grooggggg………… YOu too can eliminate extravagant sleeping from your life;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;’w

Successful Lifestyle Doctor: TMJ Edition


I bet you didn’t know that as successful lifestyle blogger, I also suffer from a chronic illness. Well, I do. I have self-diagnosed TMJ. I’m a little confused about what that means exactly, but a dentist sort of mentioned it to me once in passing a lot of years ago, and told me to get a bite guard to fix it.

I didn’t get the bite guard then, but lately I’ve been getting a lot of headaches and jaw pain. So rather than going to the doctor and figuring out what’s going on, I ordered a bite guard on Amazon.

So I fixed it! I’m not grinding my teeth in my sleep anymore. In fact, I’m not doing anything in my sleep, because sleeping with a bite guard is impossible.

I thought constant headaches were bad, but sleeping with a piece of plastic bigger than my mouth inside my mouth is more than adequately unpleasant. And as I toss and turn in bed, wondering why I’m biting on something that feels like a gummy bear but tastes worse, I know I’m not making my self-diagnosed TMJ worse. I probably am getting less headaches too. I’m still getting some, but probably less?

I cured myself without a doctor, and it only cost me about $12. I think this means am a doctor. And that’s what I’d call a success 🙂
 

Cured by Carbs

I felt like such a productive, healthy human all week, until Thursday when I woke up feeling weird and awful. Mostly, my head hurt a lot. And it seemed like I had some weird sinus pressure going on, but I wasn’t congested. Also I was very thirsty. No matter how much water I drank, or how much veggie curry I ate, nothing helped. I googled lots of diseases and by Saturday afternoon, I decided I was dying. But before I threw in the towel and decided that my health was a lost cause, I tried one last thing:

 

I ordered a pizza! A half hour later, I felt amazing. It might because I hadn’t eaten enough for the last three days, or because I had a chance to lie down for a while, but I think my body just needed a miracle cocktail of cheese and empty carbs. It brought me back from the brink of…I don’t know, some kind of flu? A migraine? Death?

Oh, also I took an Excedrin but that’s probably not related.