A Simple Quarantine Breakfast Hack!

As a successful lifestyle blogger, you might expect me to be at the top of my game during an unprecedented modern global pandemic…and you’d be right! I have everything I need: a stocked kitchen of perishable and nonperishable goods, exactly one container of Clorox wipes, and the sinking dread that life as we know it has changed forever.

When you’re listlessly floating through a hellscape where every person and object feels suddenly suspicious, it’s important to be adaptable to a changing situation. Because no matter how prepared you are, you can always be blindsided by a setback. Like how I’ve spent my whole life catastrophizing about various apocalypse scenarios and never played out the first stages of a global pandemic. OR how I bought two weeks’ worth of food and forgot to get potatoes. So when I found myself craving a veggie breakfast burrito, I thought: hooray, a challenge! Then I cried for ten minutes.

At times like this, it’s important for a successful lifestyle blogger to be resourceful. And what I did have was a freezer-burned instant hash brown from Trader Joe’s, as well as a bunch of compulsions I haven’t thought about in over a decade!

So with that in mind, I spent 20 minutes looking up how much heat it takes to kill coronavirus and then set the toaster oven to 450 for ten minutes.

IMG_1949

 

Once the hash brown was cooked, I mashed it up, washed my hands, and added:

  • a scrambled egg
  • some raw kale (washed with water only, followed by seven fruitless google searches to see if that’s okay)
  • washed my hands again
  • dried my hands on a communal towel by accident, washed them again
  • diced avocado
  • Victoria salsa (medium spice)
  • a few dashes of Tapatio hot sauce
  • is the Tapatio bottle contaminated? washed hands again
  • will the hot sauce make me congested and, thus, terrified? oh well, too late

And voila! A soothing and potato-y burrito that I was very afraid to pick up. The crispiness of the hash browns added a comforting texture as I stared out the window trying to remember whether I’d remembered to wash my hands after bringing in the newspaper. The burrito was delicious, my inner monologue was not. And that, my friends, is what I call a success right now, I guess. Maybe?

IMG_1955

I’m going back to bed.

 

 

Health Hack: Eat 3 Meals a Day!

This was one meal I ate, but there were three in total.


When I started my career as a successful lifestyle blogger, I was working in an office. It meant I got to share exciting lifestyle secrets about morning routines and after-work dinners. Now, after a long hiatus where I had no lifestyle at all, I’m thrilled to announce that I am back and more lifestyled than ever. Only now, I work from home! This means I am very zen, centered, and teetering on the edge of emotional collapse at all times.

When I first started working from home, I didn’t have any groceries. This created a lot of confusion: Was there more to life than bagels and expired oatmeal?  How could I obtain food if I was at home all day? Why did I feel vaguely sick all the time? Surely a cup of coffee and a salad of shriveled greens should sustain me til dinner, but alas… it did not.

But then, I stumbled out of doors one night (there’s a whole world out there!) and happened upon the grocery store. At this miraculous house of food, I bought fresh produce and nourishing carbohydrates. I took them home and the next day, I ate three complete meals.

And oh, the energy! I felt so human. So alive. So adequate. And that’s the thing with miracles. Nobody knows how it works! But that’s the beauty of basic biology: it can’t be understood.

Loneliness Hack: Make Festive Party Foods for Just You!

If you’re like me, you know that cooking for one can be a bummer. All the work that goes into lovingly preparing a meal only serves as a reminder that you are all alone in the world. (Not even successful lifestyle bloggers are immune to this. It’s lonely at the top.)

But does a lifestyle blogger give up? No, I found a solution! This one simple trick will breathe new life into your lonely habits:

Make fun dishes that are meant for groups, and eat them alone.

 


These veggie stuffed mushrooms are a healthy, decadent party snack. They’re challenging to prepare (hollowing out those mushrooms is harder than it looks!), and the slicing, chopping, and baking process builds anticipation for what is sure to be a warm dinner party in the company of good friends. Or, a semi-satisfying dinner for one! I put them on a plate and washed them down with some wine, but feel free to hold the hot cookie sheet over the sink and go to town.


Cauliflower fritters are a healthy twist on hash browns, and they’re great for a homemade brunch with someone you love. Or, for creating an entire sink full of dishes that you, yourself will have to wash! But hovering over a hot stove and trying to flip these beauties before they crumbled? It was so worth it when I saw the look on my own face as I took the first bite, my reflection in the living room window betraying a mix of satisfaction an existential doom. Yum!


Queso dip is, technically, not food. But it is great for parties! And any event can be a party with the right snacks – even sitting on the couch and admitting that you, truly, have given up. And when you’re eating alone, nobody will ever know that you finished the entire jar yourself. I didn’t even give this picture a border, because it doesn’t deserve it.

I might be a lonely lifestyle blogger, but with this fun life hack, I’m also full of appetizers at all times! And that, my friends, is what I call a success 🙂

Install an Air Conditioner in Just 3 Months!

Winter White

With the first day of fall just barely behind us, it’s time to ahead to crisp mornings, crunchy leaves, and enough pumpkin spice to melt your teeth away. AND, it’s the perfect time to finish all those lingering summer projects, like installing an air conditioner!

After a week in June where it got so hot that our wifi router stopped working, I caved and bought a small window AC unit on Amazon. I’d never had an air conditioner before, but with a second floor bedroom, it seemed like a good investment.

I received the air conditioner on July 1. It wasn’t hot then, and using it felt like a waste of electricity. So it sat in the box for a few weeks until my roommates offered to help enough times that I caved and opened the box.

So by August 1, I had learned that a small bracket under the air conditioner didn’t fit in my windowsill, and I needed to buy a new bracket. I kept “go to hardware store” on my mental to-do list for 3 weeks, until finally caving and ordering brackets on Amazon. Then, I don’t know how to use power tools, so I had to wait for the power-tool-having roommate to be in town and not working, and I had to be in town and not working, and all of a sudden, it was the first day of fall.

But as you can see, it’s possible to install an air conditioner in as little as 3 months, if you’re very diligent and easily consumed by the magnitude of small tasks. And that’s what I call a productivity success 🙂

How to Be Effortlessly Beautiful Also That’s a Lie I’m Sorry

As a successful lifestyle blogger, I take a lot of photos of myself. It’s important to show you, my loyal readers, what I look like so you view me as a favorable lifestyle personality. But actually it’s all a ruse to take a lot of selfies. I’m sorry.

I could make a whole post about how this look is a part of some new beauty routine or something, but really I just like this picture and I wanted to post it. I’m sorry. I went to film something and there was a makeup artist on set. I can’t even pass this off as my beauty hack because I have no idea how she did it I’m sorry. If I were to come up with a beauty hack from this, it would be “hire a makeup artist.” But nobody can do that. I’m sorry, please indulge this post that is completely about me.

When I got back to my car I took a quick picture to see what the makeup looked like. The lighting was pretty good, and all in all I thought it was a really good picture. I’m sorry. This is a totally narcissistic post where I pretend I’m telling you a beauty hack but it’s just to validate me and I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I’ll even make the picture really small so you don’t have to look at my face too much. I don’t want to waste too much of your time loading a big picture of my professionally altered but totally natural face.

This blog is supposed to tell you how to live an adequate life, and I’m only showing you an adequate illusion. Would it help if I pointed out that my glasses are crooked and my bangs dried kind of weird? No? Sorry. This was unnecessary. I’ll be back with a recipe or a cleaning tip next time I’m sorry. Again, so sorry.

Do I look okay though?

A Fun New Haircut, or a Cry for Help?

Old Life/New Life

As a successful lifestyle blogger, I know that your look is the most important reflection of who you are. That leaves me to wonder: if I change my look, who am I exactly? I cut off 6 inches of my hair to find out!

A drastic haircut is an exciting way to update your look and make the world seem fresh and new. Or is it a desperate plea to inject a little big of excitement into your draining, monotonous life? Who knows! Either way, I love my new haircut.

I knew it was time to cut my hair because it was getting hard to wash, but I could just sense that it was time to cut off so much of my hair that I feel like I’m living in someone else’s body. Was it because I wanted a fun look for fall? Or because my soul was desperately crying out, “Someone, save me from my rote daily existence that stretches on into infinity with no end in sight?” Ray at Atomic Hair Lab did such a great job that it doesn’t even matter!

img_2697 (1)

Everything is great now.

The feeling of watching giant chunks of my own hair fall to the floor and collect at my feet was liberating and exciting. Piles of hair fanned out before me, like dismantling all the dreams and plans I made for my life and combing through them, wondering if they will ever pan out and if the journey is really worth it at all, at the end of the day. Wondering: how does one ever really know if they are taking the right steps forward, or even if they are taking steps forward, when the journey only makes sense in hindsight looking back. It’s an endless puzzle, but then, isn’t the puzzle the most important part of the journey? Will it ever become easy to live with uncertainty? Anyway, the haircut’s great.

 

(Photo Credit: Jen Aubrecht)

Life Hack: Health Care on the Go

It’s probably fine though.

As a successful lifestyle blogger, I’m obviously extremely healthy. But that doesn’t mean I couldn’t be struck deathly ill at any moment! That’s why I google any little symptom I have (or imagine I have), just to make sure everything is probably okay. It’s impossible to know for sure whether the internet has all the answers, but I assume it probably does, and it’s cheaper than my copay.

Health care is a private matter, so I used to save up all my health concerns during the day, come home, and search them in an “incognito window.”(That way I don’t have to remember them later.) But then I learned this great new health care hack:

The iPhone’s Safari app has a private browsing mode.

That’s right, now I can take care of my health on the go. If I’m out with friends, I only have to sneak away to the bathroom or tilt my phone toward the wall, and I can find out if the five second headache I just had is normal, or if it’s a sign I’m definitely having a stroke. And then, I can close out of private browsing, and no one’s the wiser…including me! It’s like I never even knew it happened!

But it did. And I am so healthy. Probably.

I Don’t Need Sleep to Thrive!

As a successful lifestyle blogger, I’ve cultivated a superior amount of control over my body. While most bodies need at least 6 or more hours of sleep to function adequately during the day, mine is fully equppped to thrive on just two r three. Thatsriiihgt, even as I age, I’m just as functional as ever only now, the whole wordld looks like a hologram. Fun!

Selfie mode

For example, last night I stayepdup to 3am in the mirnong. Thing I wokeupat6. If yourrrrrrrrrrre donting the math at home then you know I got just three little tiny hours of sleep.

But! here I am, fully functioning at a work place. All it takes is just wanting it bad enough.   I don’t see any weird shapesapapses dancing in front of my eyes and I definitely didit nod off in the middle of writing this sena”””””””

And that proves that wiht just a little willpower and sherbet bicycle elevator ding noise grooggggg………… YOu too can eliminate extravagant sleeping from your life;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;’w

Successful Lifestyle Doctor: TMJ Edition


I bet you didn’t know that as successful lifestyle blogger, I also suffer from a chronic illness. Well, I do. I have self-diagnosed TMJ. I’m a little confused about what that means exactly, but a dentist sort of mentioned it to me once in passing a lot of years ago, and told me to get a bite guard to fix it.

I didn’t get the bite guard then, but lately I’ve been getting a lot of headaches and jaw pain. So rather than going to the doctor and figuring out what’s going on, I ordered a bite guard on Amazon.

So I fixed it! I’m not grinding my teeth in my sleep anymore. In fact, I’m not doing anything in my sleep, because sleeping with a bite guard is impossible.

I thought constant headaches were bad, but sleeping with a piece of plastic bigger than my mouth inside my mouth is more than adequately unpleasant. And as I toss and turn in bed, wondering why I’m biting on something that feels like a gummy bear but tastes worse, I know I’m not making my self-diagnosed TMJ worse. I probably am getting less headaches too. I’m still getting some, but probably less?

I cured myself without a doctor, and it only cost me about $12. I think this means am a doctor. And that’s what I’d call a success 🙂