How to Be Effortlessly Beautiful Also That’s a Lie I’m Sorry

As a successful lifestyle blogger, I take a lot of photos of myself. It’s important to show you, my loyal readers, what I look like so you view me as a favorable lifestyle personality. But actually it’s all a ruse to take a lot of selfies. I’m sorry.

I could make a whole post about how this look is a part of some new beauty routine or something, but really I just like this picture and I wanted to post it. I’m sorry. I went to film something and there was a makeup artist on set. I can’t even pass this off as my beauty hack because I have no idea how she did it I’m sorry. If I were to come up with a beauty hack from this, it would be “hire a makeup artist.” But nobody can do that. I’m sorry, please indulge this post that is completely about me.

When I got back to my car I took a quick picture to see what the makeup looked like. The lighting was pretty good, and all in all I thought it was a really good picture. I’m sorry. This is a totally narcissistic post where I pretend I’m telling you a beauty hack but it’s just to validate me and I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I’ll even make the picture really small so you don’t have to look at my face too much. I don’t want to waste too much of your time loading a big picture of my professionally altered but totally natural face.

This blog is supposed to tell you how to live an adequate life, and I’m only showing you an adequate illusion. Would it help if I pointed out that my glasses are crooked and my bangs dried kind of weird? No? Sorry. This was unnecessary. I’ll be back with a recipe or a cleaning tip next time I’m sorry. Again, so sorry.

Do I look okay though?

A Fun New Haircut, or a Cry for Help?

Old Life/New Life

As a successful lifestyle blogger, I know that your look is the most important reflection of who you are. That leaves me to wonder: if I change my look, who am I exactly? I cut off 6 inches of my hair to find out!

A drastic haircut is an exciting way to update your look and make the world seem fresh and new. Or is it a desperate plea to inject a little big of excitement into your draining, monotonous life? Who knows! Either way, I love my new haircut.

I knew it was time to cut my hair because it was getting hard to wash, but I could just sense that it was time to cut off so much of my hair that I feel like I’m living in someone else’s body. Was it because I wanted a fun look for fall? Or because my soul was desperately crying out, “Someone, save me from my rote daily existence that stretches on into infinity with no end in sight?” Ray at Atomic Hair Lab did such a great job that it doesn’t even matter!

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Everything is great now.

The feeling of watching giant chunks of my own hair fall to the floor and collect at my feet was liberating and exciting. Piles of hair fanned out before me, like dismantling all the dreams and plans I made for my life and combing through them, wondering if they will ever pan out and if the journey is really worth it at all, at the end of the day. Wondering: how does one ever really know if they are taking the right steps forward, or even if they are taking steps forward, when the journey only makes sense in hindsight looking back. It’s an endless puzzle, but then, isn’t the puzzle the most important part of the journey? Will it ever become easy to live with uncertainty? Anyway, the haircut’s great.

 

(Photo Credit: Jen Aubrecht)

Life Hack: Health Care on the Go

It’s probably fine though.

As a successful lifestyle blogger, I’m obviously extremely healthy. But that doesn’t mean I couldn’t be struck deathly ill at any moment! That’s why I google any little symptom I have (or imagine I have), just to make sure everything is probably okay. It’s impossible to know for sure whether the internet has all the answers, but I assume it probably does, and it’s cheaper than my copay.

Health care is a private matter, so I used to save up all my health concerns during the day, come home, and search them in an “incognito window.”(That way I don’t have to remember them later.) But then I learned this great new health care hack:

The iPhone’s Safari app has a private browsing mode.

That’s right, now I can take care of my health on the go. If I’m out with friends, I only have to sneak away to the bathroom or tilt my phone toward the wall, and I can find out if the five second headache I just had is normal, or if it’s a sign I’m definitely having a stroke. And then, I can close out of private browsing, and no one’s the wiser…including me! It’s like I never even knew it happened!

But it did. And I am so healthy. Probably.

Why Get a Haircut When You Can Have a Braid Phase?

Like any successful lifestyle blogger, I haven’t gotten a haircut in months. Haircuts are expensive! They also take time, and involve conversing with a near-stranger. No thank you!

But, I still wanted a fresh new look – something fun, different, and sassy. So I did what any reasonable adult would do and looked back to my elementary school pictures. And that’s when I found it: braids.

Forget expensive LA haircuts, forget time-consuming upkeep, forget looking like you can get into an R-rated movie without an adult. And instead, remember braids. We all liked them, except that they’re not as easy as they look,they don’t look cute when they’re messy, and if you turn your head they’ll fall out. But that’s the price of a beauty, and it’s cheaper than the alternative.

I have entered my braid phase. Join me!

My Adequate Hiatus

I ignored this mantra


I’m sure that you, my hopelessly devoted fan base, have noticed that I haven’t posted in a couple weeks. Well, even successful lifestyle bloggers need to take vacations sometimes!

I’m pleased to report that I’ve taken the last two weeks to live my life as usual. I traveled from my bed, to my couch, to my car, and back again.

I exercised one time. I ate a lot of pizza. I kept forgetting to go to the hardware store. And I realized just how important it is to recharge those batteries by changing absolutely nothing about my routine. Because now, I’m prepared to be the lifestyle blogger that you, the adequate masses, deserve.

I Don’t Need Sleep to Thrive!

As a successful lifestyle blogger, I’ve cultivated a superior amount of control over my body. While most bodies need at least 6 or more hours of sleep to function adequately during the day, mine is fully equppped to thrive on just two r three. Thatsriiihgt, even as I age, I’m just as functional as ever only now, the whole wordld looks like a hologram. Fun!

Selfie mode

For example, last night I stayepdup to 3am in the mirnong. Thing I wokeupat6. If yourrrrrrrrrrre donting the math at home then you know I got just three little tiny hours of sleep.

But! here I am, fully functioning at a work place. All it takes is just wanting it bad enough.   I don’t see any weird shapesapapses dancing in front of my eyes and I definitely didit nod off in the middle of writing this sena”””””””

And that proves that wiht just a little willpower and sherbet bicycle elevator ding noise grooggggg………… YOu too can eliminate extravagant sleeping from your life;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;’w

Successful Lifestyle Doctor: TMJ Edition


I bet you didn’t know that as successful lifestyle blogger, I also suffer from a chronic illness. Well, I do. I have self-diagnosed TMJ. I’m a little confused about what that means exactly, but a dentist sort of mentioned it to me once in passing a lot of years ago, and told me to get a bite guard to fix it.

I didn’t get the bite guard then, but lately I’ve been getting a lot of headaches and jaw pain. So rather than going to the doctor and figuring out what’s going on, I ordered a bite guard on Amazon.

So I fixed it! I’m not grinding my teeth in my sleep anymore. In fact, I’m not doing anything in my sleep, because sleeping with a bite guard is impossible.

I thought constant headaches were bad, but sleeping with a piece of plastic bigger than my mouth inside my mouth is more than adequately unpleasant. And as I toss and turn in bed, wondering why I’m biting on something that feels like a gummy bear but tastes worse, I know I’m not making my self-diagnosed TMJ worse. I probably am getting less headaches too. I’m still getting some, but probably less?

I cured myself without a doctor, and it only cost me about $12. I think this means am a doctor. And that’s what I’d call a success 🙂
 

I’m a Mop!

Is the swiffer a mop? No, I’m a mop!

As a successful lifestyle blogger, I’m really, really good at being a person. But after a while, being a person isn’t enough anymore. So I thought to myself, if I’m this good at being a person, what else can I be? The answer was clear: to be truly productive, I had to also be a mop.

Successful lifestyle bloggers multi-task, and this is the ultimate multi-tasking: I’m a successful person and a successful mop. I can exercise and clean at once. I’m multi-tasking at the kind of multi-tasking I’m doing. So successful!

With these mop socks, it was so easy to transcend my humanity. I just put them on, sprayed some Green Works on the kitchen floor, and danced around for a while. It sort of raised my heart rate a little bit, and the floor got sort of cleaner than it was before.

The socks made me more successful than a person, and less successful than a mop. Now that’s what I call an adequate day’s work 🙂

 

Photo by Maggie Gottlieb

Cured by Carbs

I felt like such a productive, healthy human all week, until Thursday when I woke up feeling weird and awful. Mostly, my head hurt a lot. And it seemed like I had some weird sinus pressure going on, but I wasn’t congested. Also I was very thirsty. No matter how much water I drank, or how much veggie curry I ate, nothing helped. I googled lots of diseases and by Saturday afternoon, I decided I was dying. But before I threw in the towel and decided that my health was a lost cause, I tried one last thing:

 

I ordered a pizza! A half hour later, I felt amazing. It might because I hadn’t eaten enough for the last three days, or because I had a chance to lie down for a while, but I think my body just needed a miracle cocktail of cheese and empty carbs. It brought me back from the brink of…I don’t know, some kind of flu? A migraine? Death?

Oh, also I took an Excedrin but that’s probably not related.

Fad Diet: Salad Week

I couldn’t call myself a successful lifestyle blogger if I didn’t endorse a harebrained dieting scheme. So let’s go with this one:

A few weeks ago, my roommate Inae and I made a commitment to eat salads for a week. The parameters were that we would take turns making a salad every day, and the salad would be dinner. That’s it. No other guidelines. Easy diet, right?

WRONG. No, just kidding. It was pretty successful! We made it six days, which is hereby called an Adequate Week™. And the salads were, overall, pretty healthy. I was surprised how full I felt from just eating a lot of vegetables.

Though Salad Week was pretty successful, I did chronicle it poorly. There were lots of homemade dressings and delicious roasted chickpeas and marinated tofu, but I don’t remember most of what they were. Instead, enjoy these unexplained photos of salads!